All of a sudden I took a look straight into my heart. I saw a beautiful landscape: Lush meadows, streams, mountains with snow on their tops. A lively moving and splashing everywhere. I felt like coming home! – A feeling of sadness followed. This time I could enter into my heart without opening any doors or putting away any curtains – they were gone, and it made me feel insecure for a while. “All this beauty is for me?”, I asked. “All the beauty is for you”, it echoed. I started crying, feeling, what I had missed for such a long time. Doubts were crossing. “Will I be able to enter even when there will be people around me?” “Always there”, answered the mountains.
Suddenly my mom came into my mind,I doubted she’d ever experienced such a free love. “How’d you know?”, asked the squirrels playing on the ground. “Maybe she has just forgotten to tell you!” they finished, laughed and disappeared in the woods.
Starting to trust my surroundings I asked “What’s about my brother?” The hawk appeared. “Well what’s about him?” he repeated my question in a sonor tone. “Does he experience love at all after what has happened to him?” “You’re talking about his illness, aren’t you? What if he got over it?” “What if…” I started feeling guilty again of what had happened.
The mountains were still shining in the sun. What a lovely day! I tried to get in contact with my guilt, asking it to appear. Out of the woods it came: worn out, hairy, clumpy, unwashed. I could feel loneliness rising up again. How I loved to escape from all that! I didn’t know what to do with that creature… How to bear its company… Horst would advice me to tell the beast about it – so I did. “I feel ashamed to see you.” It moaned.
Shaggy as it was, I thought about asking if there might be something I could do for it, but all of a sudden I got tired, unbelievably tired.
The sun was still shining, enlightening and warming. I discovered a small stream right in front of me, silently moving through the green grass, making these funny “gluggsy” noises which I love listening to.
I laid down on one of these huge, flat grey rocks which reflected the sun’s heat. I knew the beast had stayed. With mixed feelings of helplessness and anger I was sitting there, feeling the impulse to shout at it. To tell him to behave, to beat him up, to hurt him. What made me so aggressive about him was his imperfectness – which was my own, after all. He was still standing there, enjoying the sun, discovering it’s warm and relaxing impact.
I took a deep breath. “What do I do with you?”, I shouted. “Nothing”, he moaned. I decided to leave him alone for a while. Watching the hawk circling the sky, I felt tired and comfortable. He approached. I expected a bad smell which didn’t came. “Finally”, I thought, “I might even discover its beauty.”
From Judith in Austria