“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small things compared to what lies inside of us” Ralph Waldo Emerson
I heard about that songwriter contest that would take place in my town. Immediately I felt drawn to it. Not because of participating in a contest in the sense of competing – deep inside of me I just felt that part of me, that was longing for singing one of my own songs through a microphone in public.
I had started to write and sing songs a couple of years ago, actually after I begun with my inner healing process, when I also got to meet my animals for the first time.
So far I had only shared my songs within the Totempole groups while participating in workshops and trainings (music had always played an important part in my journeys), and with some few other very close friends, and also with my Indian friends in the Colombian Amazon while sitting at the fireplace outside of the ceremonial house. Their rituals also made me singing and creating songs and exploring my voice, as my animals did…
But it was not the same. All this sharing had been something very intimate to me. I had never sung through a microphone before, and I had never stepped on a stage to perform my own music in public. And I confess that I also have doubts on my abilities as a musician. But I have all these songs, and I was longing to start sharing them with more people. And I felt I wanted to do a step “outside”. So I decided to participate in that songwriter contest.
Right after I had taken the decision and doing the inscription, I felt totally stuck.
A deep fear came over me. I wanted to change my decision and cancel the inscription. I was confused.
So I closed my eyes asked an animal for the performance to come.
A little mouse came. She had a bandage over her body and she was shaking. She said she was hurt.
I asked the mouse if I could do something for her. She said her injury wouldn´t have healed yet.
“Hold me”, she said.
I hold her. She was shaking.
While holding her I remembered situations when I was a little girl and a teenager, when I presented something and people (mainly my classmates) would laugh at me. And that I always felt deeply embarrassed afterwards. I felt sad and cried.
“It´s not time yet” Mouse said. “I´m still very hurt”
I said “Okay.”
“So we won´t perform?” I asked.
She didn´t say anything, just came closer to cuddle.
I said “okay. So we won´t”.
The mouse felt safe now, she said. I could hear her breathing calming down.
Then I could feel someone else in the room. Someone who was growling. I looked around and there was a Jaguar, a female one. She looked at me and the mouse, and before I could even say Hallo, the Jaguar jumped with a roar to the mouse and eat her up. Then she sat down and looked at me, licking her mouth.
I felt anger.
She stared at me, asking with her eyes
“So how does it feel now?”
I asked this question myself. How does that feel?
Strange. It felt strange.
Jaguar stared deep in my eyes.
“Strange, but … good. Like … free.” I said.
I could see a glamour in her eyes.
In the following days she came once in a while to visit me, especially in the moments when I got stage-fright because of the contest, she came growling or even doing a roar.
Feeling her energy I calmed down and I could feel a certain power inside.
One day she brought a friend, it was Snake.
Snake asked me to follow her. We jumped in a River and swam.
“I am the animal of aliveness, and the secret of live is just to follow your aliveness. You have heard about it before. Can you really feel it now?” I really could.
“Doesn´t that feel great?”
It felt great!
We continued swimming quick and agile through fresh flowing water, and I could feel so much flexibility and I felt one with the wild but gentle current. Beautiful!
Then the river continued flowing under some white rocks. Under these rocks I could see a huge cave. We swam in this cave when Snake stopped and said “Have a look!”
I looked around and saw that the cave was full of treasures. Like something really magic surrounded by a real holy energy, full of secret and peace.
“You are full of treasures, believe it!
And please don´t forget to stay in touch with your aliveness and trust it!”
“And now I want you to meet your animal of music” she continued.
I was amazed and pleased. I felt that I was longing for such a long time to meet my animal of music, but I haven´t done it yet, no idea why.
We kept swimming and suddenly we I came into an ocean.
A huge female whale was waiting for us.
She said to me
“I want you to bring me to your world.”
I asked her how I could do that.
“Embrace me with all my size, allow me, and trust.”
I was very touched, I felt that we knew each other for a very long time and in a very deep way. I was full of feelings while I was hugging her, joy, sadness, longing, and feeling home came at the same time. I could feel her ancient power and all the depth of the ocean in her. I could hear her music coming from this deep place.
After a while I started to feel a bit stuck again.
She said “Just stay with YES!”
“YES” she repeated.
I said YES.
It felt good.
I thanked her. And thanked also Snake, the Jaguar and the Mouse.
The day of the songwriter contest came.
After bringing my little daughter to a friend, I jumped in the tram to go to the centre. A guy with a guitar jumped in the tram too, and sat in front of me. Both of us jumped off at the same station, I was early, so I tried to find something to drink before going to the club.
Arriving in the club the guy who was sitting in the tram in front of me welcomed me. He was one of the two link men of the Show. We laughed.
Backstage I had nice talks with the other musicians. Most of them were performing already a couple of years, playing in bands. But actually everybody was nervous. So I didn´t feel that much of an Alien while I was running up and down like a little girl that needs to go pee.
The club was crowded. I was number three to perform.
My turn came. Just before stepping on the stage I felt breathless and I thought I would transform into a rock. I felt stiff and frightened.
I closed my eyes and found myself on a huge rock, with the wild moving ocean under and in front of me, wind blew in my face.
And I knew I had to jump.
No way back.
I didn´t know what would happen down there, but I knew I had to jump.
I was scared.
Then I could feel my Whale coming closer in the ocean, and she said to me:
“Just jump, I am here, I ´ll carry you, and you know that I love you.”
So I jumped.
And she did carry me.
Because of the lights shining in my face on the stage I couldn´t see the crowd in the club, but I could feel Whale, and we sang together … and this was the most amazing and magical thing that night, and even better than all the applause or my third place in the contest…!